Road Trip
by Nbluju
Summary: [Yuffentine Cloti SheraCid ElmyraBarret] Sephiroth's back, but as a toad? And what's with those evil blue moldy sandwhiches?
1. We're Not Going to Fit

**AN - This is my first attempt to try to write something funny, so please go easy on me. Er, revised, somewhat, well not really. I just took out a line that shouldn't be here.**

**Disclaimer - YES I OWN FFVII! My sis in law is Japanese, so they like me and let me own it. I'm being sarcastic if you haven't noticed.**

Road Trip

Chapter 1

"Why should I come?" His elegantly shaped eyebrows raised in confusion to why she would want him to come.

"Cause I said so, now lets go!" She said as she attempted to pull him out of the mansion.

He took his arm back, "No."

"Please."

"…"

"Pretty please?"

"…No."

She latched onto his claw, "Gawd, what's wrong with you, it's the anniversary thingus, come on! Everyone is waiting for us."

"They're waiting for you."

"They told me to come here to get you."

"You chose to come here on your own."

"Well duh, of course. Cloud's the one that invited us, so I had to ask him for permission to go ask you."

"He asked me before, I said no."

"Gawd, must you be so stubborn? It's unhealthy for you to stay here even though you refurnished it, but that's besides the point. Anyways you also need a tan!" She gave a strong tug.

"Let go, Yuffie."

"No you over depressed vampire, move on with your freaking life, Lucrecia's dea-" She shut her mouth quickly, not wanting Vincent to go all Chaos on her.

He stared down to the floor, "She means nothing to me anymore."

"Whawha what? Did I hear correctly? Vincent dumped his dearly beloved Lucrecia! That's great, so now you're not so depressed, got nothing left to atone for, now lets go!" She said as she tugged him gently this time. Yuffie inwardly cried for joy.

"…You're not going to give up are you?" He said, raising his eyes to see her over joyed face.

She gave him a cheeky smile, "Nope!"

Reluctantly, he said, "Fine."

"Good, now go pack all of the shit you're gonna need!" She said as she tried to push him towards the stairs, but pushing him was like pushing a brick wall, it won't move, but it could fall…

She tackled him with all her might and managed to trip over her other foot in the process and fell on top of him. The two landed in a messy heap on the floor with the ninja on the top.

Vincent started to get up, "I can move on my own." He outstretched his hand to help her up.

"Well yeah, but it's more fun to pester you!" She took his hand and jumped up.

He started to go to his room but turned around as he heard Yuffie follow him.

"What?" She asked looking around.

"I can pack by myself." He deadpanned signaling that the conversation was over.

She paid no mind, "Oh well, we can't have you sneaking off now can we?"

"Aww can't we take the flying piece of junk instead of this piece of junk?" Yuffie whined to the whole group which consisted of Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Cid, Nanaki, Cait Sith and Vincent. Elmyra and Shera came along for the ride.

Tifa, Elmyra and Shera couldn't help but smile at the young woman. Everyone else just sniggered sans Vincent and Cid.

"What are you calling a flying piece of junk!" Cid roared.

"Your oh so precious Highwind." She said sarcastically.

"I'm gonna shove my spear all the way up where the sun doesn't shine if you don't shut up!" He roared; the veins practically popped out of his skin leaving green lines all over his neck. "Besides, it's still busted…" he added quietly, only Shera heard him. She took his hand and squeezed it.

Yuffie dismissed him with a wave of her hand in an 'I'm too good to listen to you' motion and then proceeded to glare at the buggy hoping that it would burst into flames or explode until an idea popped into her head, "Oi! Can I drive?"

Everyone's eyes, minus Vincent's, bulged out of their heads. "No!" The group chorused, sans Vincent.

"Vincent doesn't mind, see see!" She was waving her long ivory colored finger at him.

"He doesn't care about shit, I'll drive." Cid said.

No one seemed to disagree except for Yuffie.

Cid and Barret took the front seats with Elmyra sitting on Barret's lap. How she didn't get her legs stuck under the dash board, no one will ever know. Everyone started to shuffle into the small vehicle until Yuffie said something smart for once.

"Erm, I don't think we're all going to fit…"

Cloud thought about her words for a minute, "We'll shove Cait and his moogle into the trunk. Someone give me a hand."

"Hey!" Cait protested, but no one paid him any mind as Cloud and Vincent shoved him into the trunk along with his and everyone else's luggage. Muffled cries for help were heard.

Yuffie once again stated the obvious, "Anyways, we're still not going to fit."

"..We can stick Nanaki up on the roof…" Vincent said quietly, but not quiet enough for everyone to not hear.

Cloud quickly approved of his plan, "Good idea Vincent." .

"Honey, we can't do that!" Tifa added quickly.

"Why not?"

"Thank you Vincent." Nanaki smiled a wolfish smile that said I'm so going to kill you.

"I didn't mean what I was saying…"

"If we all get into the buggy, the wheels are going to pop. Barret's too big; we should leave him behind. The buggy's also gonna catch on fire with Cid in it, so we should leave him behind too!"

"An we should've thrown ya into tha ocean when we had tha chance." Barret growled.

"Old bastard, I know you're gonna die of lung cancer, a heart attack, leukemia and some other painful shit. Oh and Vinnie's gonna eat you when he goes Chaos!" she smiled sweetly yet oh so evilly.

"I CAN'T BREATH! TIFA I THINK YOU'RE SANDWHICHES ARE ROTTING! AAAAGHHH"

"Everyone quiet!" Tifa yelled. No one heard her.

Frustrated, she screamed on top of her lungs, "WILL YOU ALL JUST BE QUITE!" A rumbling came from the Nibel Mountains. As the terrorists stared at the looming structure they could see a blanket of white quickly descend along with an echo of: "You're gonna burn in hell! BUUUURRRRNNNN! ACK!"

"Anyways," Tifa recovered first from the site, "We'll have to figure this out like adults alright?"

Everyone nodded.

"It seems we'll have to sit on top of each other's laps, except for Nanaki, he'll get his own seat. Any objections?"

No one said anything.

"Alright lets mosey!" Cloud said cheerfully.

"YOU FUCKING FUCKER, WILL YOU SHUT UP WITH THE MOSEY SHIT!"

"Cid!"

"Sorry Sher…"

Everyone started to shuffle into the buggy again.

Yuffie entered after Vincent. The only place left to sit was on his lap. She happily plopped down on top of him, "You know you love me." She flicked his nose.

He couldn't stop the small smile that was forming on his pale lips. Luckily no one saw him since he wasn't wearing his usual attire.

"It seems as though there isn't enough space…" Nanaki said as he stood by himself all alone.

"I guess we're gonna have to rope you onto the roof don't we?" Yuffie said playfully.

"I'm sure we can squeeze him in somewhere." Shera said optimistically.

"I think I'll stay up on the roof…" The lion like beast didn't want to burn anyone with his flaming tale so he jumped on top of the roof and dug his naturally sharp claws into it.

"Shouldn't we tie him?" Tifa asked no one in particular. She made a mental note to apologize to him once they get to their next destination.

Cloud attempted to comfort his soon to be wife, "Ah don't worry, if he can survive Sephiroth then he can survive a little ride on the roof."


	2. Open The Window!

**AN – Many many thanks to my reviewers especially Roaring Flame Cat for the "hintz of doom" I also tried to put a line breaker thing there with those star things but it didn't work and I was too lazy to figure out how to make it work...sleep deprivation is gooooood. **

**Disclaimer – I don't own anything except for a Vinnie costume that I'm trying to make…stupid scissors won't cut properly.**

Road Trip

Chapter 2

"How long until we get to Cosmo Canyon?" The youngest brunette whined, "My ass hurts, Vinnie, you should eat more."

Yuffie rested her head on her 'seat's' firm chest and started playing with his long silky hair. "You should do something with your hair."

"I like my hair the way it is."

"Meh…" The little shinobi pouted.

"Cloudy honey, how much longer till we get there?" Tifa asked sweetly.

"I dunno." Cloud replied.

Our little attention hogger Yuffie couldn't stand sitting still, "Vinnie, I think my butt is bruised." She faked a sniff.

The demon infested man rolled his eyes as Yuffie started to fidget again for the millionth time during the last thirty minutes. "Yuffie, can you please stop moving around?"

"Nope, it's my job to bother you remember?" Yuffie said cheerily.

"No."

"Oh well, your problem!"

Vincent grabbed her waist forcing her to sit still.

"This buggy smells like Cid, I think I'm gonna get sick…" The teenager whined as she rested her forehead on the back of Cid's seat, luckily he didn't hear her since he was having a 'friendly' conversation with Barret consisting of profane language. Yuffie's stomach made a really funky noise, it sounded like a chocobo on crack running around in a circle and then smacking into a tree.

Elmyra's motherly instincts kicked in, she kindly said, "You should close your eyes Yuffie, it helps most of the time."

"…Not for me…" Yuffie groaned as she rubbed her stomach.

A squeaky voice emerged from the trunk, "Tifa, anyone? Please let me out, please! I'm suffocating here, my moogle looks squished and not so healthy, your chocobo sandwiches are moving and look kinda blue and and AAAGGHHH ITS TRYING TO EAT ME MEEOOOWWRRR!" But no one paid Cait any mind.

Vincent sighed as he looked at Tifa and asked, "Tifa, would you happen to have a plastic bag?"

The brunette with burgundy eyes shook her head solemnly knowing what would happen next if they didn't do anything soon, "Sorry Vincent…"

"Erm, shouldn't we open the window?" Cloud asked the man sitting next to him. "Do chocobos taste good?" He asked randomly as he saw the giant bird run by his buggy.

"No, but you look suspiciously like one!" Yuffie said weakly.

Vincent nodded a response and pressed the button that automatically opens the tinted window. Nothing happened. He continued to press it with his claw, being very careful to not puncture the device, but the window didn't respond, "The window isn't opening."

"Cid, unlock the windows." Shera commanded.

Cid momentarily turned around and glared at her, "Who do you think you are woman!"

"A woman that's your wife who's going to kick your skinny little butt once we get out of this buggy." A hint of sarcasm graced her soft voice.

"My ass! No one can kick the great Cid's ass!"

"I'll break it if you don't open it." Vincent threatened as he glared at the pilot's blond head. He did not want Yuffie to vomit on him again, sometimes he wondered if he was too nice to her, but it wasn't really her fault… Half of his brain kept telling him to be nice to Yuffie while the other half, which was probably infected by the demon Chaos, just told him to throw her through the window.

_Chaos held an imaginary miniature pendulum, waving it back and forth trying to hypnotize Vincent's mind, how could one hypnotize a person with an imaginary pendulum will be revealed by Chaos, but no one really cares. _

"_You will throw her out of through the nice glass window; you will throw her through the nice glass window." He continued for a few more minutes but eventually gave up with a string of profanities after being ignored._

The pilot started to sweat profusely knowing Vincent always keeps his word, "Err yeah sure." He started to mash all the buttons on the door to his left.

"Cid, hurry up, she's getting really green." A concerned Elmyra warned as she clutched Barret's gorilla sized arms.

Barret rolled his eyes, "Ah fuck, this car's gonna start smellin like barf if ya don't open tha fucking window!"

"I don't know which button's for which." Cid quickly said as he felt Vincent's piercing glare.

Barret pointed at the large rubber button on the door, "Ah ya fucker, it's that big button."

"I fucking pressed it you fucking oversized bear!"

"Oh yeah, I'll fucking blow you're brains out ya fucking fucker!" Barret somehow pulled out his gun arm to aim at Cid.

"Fine, I'll press it again shit-fucker." A few seconds passed as Cid pressed the buttons; he even punched it, "See it's not working!"

"Cloud which button is it?" Tifa asked calmly.

The spiky headed jerk scratched his chin, "Good question."

"Ya don't even know what the fuck the buttons are for in you car!" Barret spat at him.

"It's not a car, it's a buggy." Cloud replied as though nothing is wrong in the world, a smuggy smile graced his lips as his eyes mako blue eyes held an odd glint in them.

Vincent has had enough, so he did something totally unexpected, he yelled, "Just stop the goddamn car!"

The car came to a sudden stop as seven pairs or rather six pairs of eyes stared at Vincent since Yuffie was too busy opening the bright red door and running a few feet away to empty her queasy stomach.

"What?" Vincent glared at all the remaining occupants. Everyone flinched and looked away, minus Cloud, as though nothing out of the ordinary happened.

But Cloud, being the smart ass just had to add a little detail, "Vincent, it's a buggy not a car." His response was a glare as he gave a smile that stretched from ear to ear.

**AN – I wonder if the world of FFVII eats chocobos…**


	3. Of Giant Toads

**AN - I think this chapter might include something called Sephiroth bashing, but I don't really know what is considered bashing is nor care what it is so whatever. Fanfic doesn't let me draw little moogles with those funky signs on the keyboard...**

**Neko-Yuff16 - thanks for the info on where that line came from, now that I think about it I did read that story...anyways, thanks for the review!**

**And thanks for the reviews everyone else who have bothered reading this mindless insanity.**

Road Trip

Chapter 3

"Vinnieeee! I can't move my feet!" Yuffie stared at him with puppy dog eyes hoping he would carry her to the inn.

Vincent closed his eyes for a moment in frustration, "Please Yuffie, can you get off of me?"

"No."

"Why is that?"

"I dunno."

Vincent mentally sighed to himself. He gently nudged/pushed her off of him and quickly stepped out of the red buggy joining the rest of the party.

Yuffie pouted and followed him out, though she probably took about one hundred years with all the yawns and stretches she did.

* * *

As the crew of misfits took out all of their belongings in the trunk, including Cait Sith and the evil blue sandwiches a giant toad appeared out of nowhere. 

"I AM HERE TO PUNISH YOU AND GET REVENGE MWAHAHAHAHA!" The giant toad said with its deep ugly voice that hurt the ears and made the ground shiver in disgust.

The 'toad' had cocky green colored eyes, warts all over its back and pink feet with yellow toe nails. The party stared at the creature in amazement, wonder and disgust until it unrolled its purple tongue and ate the blinding red buggy with the funky turquoise wheels.

As they gazed at the monstrous excuse of a frog, each member had different thoughts in their head:

Yuffie stared at the thing, her stomach started to rumble. _Oooh it's a giant frog, I wonder if it tastes like chocobos..._

Tifa was, well, she was dumbfounded. _Well, there goes our vacation..._ she thought sourly.

Shera was pissed _Damn, I was going to take that ugly buggy apart and see how it was made..._

Elmyra's motherly instincts kicked in again _Poor creature, mustn't have eaten in a while..._

Cid also happened to be pissed, _Stupid mother fucker my pack of Marlboros were still in there..._

Vincent's inner child was leaping for joy, _Finally I can go home and sleep in my nice and toasty bed...mmm toast...french toast..._

Cloud didn't care a bit and shrugged it off, _The buggy's gone, oh well, I'll just send Cid back to Rocket Town to get his Highwind so we can continue..._

Barret was eyeing the 'toad' oddly as he rubbed his gun arm, _Hold on my precious, we'll blow froggy brains soon, my precious. _The gun arm whispered to him with it's ear shattering metallic voice, _Must blow froggy brains...must blow froggy brains..._

Nanaki was too busy trying to get his fur to be flat on himself again that he didn't notice the giant frog _Stupid trip, stupid wind, is this what I get for not being human? GRRR_

Cait Sith was as cait sithy as he had always been. _Let's read the giant froggie's fortune. _He did his funky and idiotic dance which consisted of moving his arms back and forth along with his legs_. Hmn it says, always eat cats, especially mechanical ones, they taste better than buggies... HOLY CATNIP! _He ran behind a small orange rock that hardly covered himself or his moogle.

"RRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!" The toad thingus burped really loudly as he spat out what ever that is left of the metal frame. Everyone in the surrounding area of the toad including the evil turtle fiends with the trident swore they smelled like a dumpster.

"OH THANKS, THANKS A LOT CRAP EATER!" Cid growled, obviously annoyed since he has no more cigarettes and the one in his mouth tastes suspiciously like the dumpster scented air around him.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE ALMIGHTY SEPHIROTH! FEAR MY ALL MIGHTY TONGUE!" The toad's tongue slipped out of it's rotten mouth and ate Cid's spear, the Venus Gospel.

Everyone became brain-dead including the evil blue sandwiches who were planning for world domination.

"...Sephiroth!" The whole party gasped.

"Didn't we kill you?" Tifa asked as she eyed the thingus suspiciously.

"So what, Aeris liked me and got the lifestream to make me alive again...though they fucked it up..." Sephy-toad said through his clenched jaws.

"Wait a minute." Cloud said as he scratched the back of his head, "Aeris liked liked you?...Wooww..."

"How could tha pure Aeris like a mother-fucker like you?" A disgusted Barret asked.

"So you died and got reborned as a giant toad? ... HAHAHAHAHAHA THE GREAT SEPHIROTH A TOAD AND TO SAY I IDOLIZED YOU HAHAHAHA A PATHETIC TOAD HAHAHAHA...!" Cloud couldn't stop laughing.

Cid couldn't hold his anger in any more, "YOU ARE SO GOING TO PERISH FOR EATING THE ALL MIGHTY CID'S SPEAR!" His response was a purple tongue lashing out at him and licking him from head to toe, olive green colored saliva dripped off of him making the sound 'splooshaat'. As Sephiroth was reeling his oversized tongue in, it happened to slam into a certain day dreaming shinobi, drenching her in the putrid liquid.

"Ewww super grossness." Yuffie stuck her tongue out in disgust and was greeted with the taste of the toad saliva. It tasted like old cheese and dirty gym socks. She clawed at her tongue all the while making choking sounds, which sounded like a moogle that was trying to speak but couldn't so it gave off really high pitched sounds that no one can hear since it couldn't speak.

The pilot and ninja then started to cough profusely. After a few seconds, they started to mumble something about why Ifrit doesn't wear a loincloth when he should and then passed out like a firefly that got it's ass ripped off.

The oh so great leader Cloud was dumbfounded as he saw his teammates fall on to the dirt road as if their knees were cut in half and feet happened to still be plastered to the red dirt. He recovered from his dumbness as he dropped his buster sword that magically got in his hand when Sephiroth the Toad appeared.

"ATTACK MY FELLOW COMRADES! OF'T WE GO TO SAVE THY FALLEN KNIGHTS! AAAAAHHHHHH!" He ran towards the toad and impaled it's legs with his blade, ran a few feet away. "Catch me if you can you butt-munch! HAHAHAHAHA" Cloud mooned at the creature and slapped his ass a few times.

Toady-Sephiroth would've turned red, but because of his green skin, turned cocky brown. He hopped after Cloud, shockwaves rippled the ground sending Cloud flying through the air and then somehow landing on his feet. Cloud then started to run away for his dear life all the while cackling like a maniac as he got away from the peaceful town of Cosmo Canyon.

Tifa sighed as she ran towards her man to save him from killing himself.

**AN - Butt-munch...hehehehehe...I don't know where I came up with that word...**

**You're probably getting tired of Yuffie and Vincent starting each chapter aren't you? Well have no fear! There should be plenty o' Clotiness in the next chappy...hopefully...**


	4. Limitations

AN - Whoo I'm not dead! Well, maybe when I was writing this chapter...couldn't come up with any ideas, only ideas for stuff after this that would be really really after this...so, I think this chappy is going to besomewhatwatered down...

Road Trip

Chapter 4 -Limitations

"Lemme go! You freaking sonuva--"

"Finish that sentence, Cloud, and I'll torture you so badly before I kill you…" Sephiroth interjected.

"…" The spiky-haired hero looked at Sephy-toad disgustingly, "I always knew you were gay…" he mumbled loud enough for Sephy-toad to hear him.

"Pft, it just shows how oblivious you are you perverted mole on the ass."

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN YOU FUCKING UGLY ASS TOAD!"

"You sound like you have PMS, are you sure you're a man, Cloud? I can just hear what Tifa would say to you, she'd be heartbroken…"

"I AM MANLIER THAN YOU CAN EVER BE and you sound like my mother!" Cloud countered.

Sephiroth glared at Cloud, "Well, at least I have enough guts to tell the woman I love that I love her."

"BUT YOU NEVER LOVED A WOMAN CAUSE YOU'RE GAAAY!"

Sephiroth slammedtheneedle-nogginface down on the ground. He stared at the unconscious form of Cloud in satisfaction, until he felt something pricking his slimy toad back.

"HOW DARE YOU TOUCH CLOUD! I SHOULD KILL YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW FOR ALL THE PAIN YOU HAVE CAUSED US!" Tifa screeched as she punched Sephy-toad with all her might.

Sephiroth placed his gigantic webbed foot on top of Cloud's prone body, semi careful not to turn him into paste.

"I would stop if I were you," He said nonchalantly, Tifa looked up at him evilly.

Sephiroth, glad that he had caught her attention, continued, "Now, I bet you don't want your little puppy dog to get flattened, right?"

"What do you want?" Tifa asked cautiously, her death glare never faltering.

"As you can see, I am a toad; turn me back to my human form and Puppy Dog here will be fine."

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT!...AND STOP CALLING CLOUD PUPPY DOG!" Tifa added as an afterthought.

"Have you ever heard of that fairy-tale with the princess and that frog?"

Tifa swore she heard the planet crack in half, "I'm not a princess if you haven't noticed..."

* * *

"Hey Vinnie, I want some yakatori," The lovable yet slimy thief complained. 

Vincent sighed his one hundredth sigh of the hour "Yuffie, I don't think Cosmo Canyon has any yakatori, or even knows what a yakatori is."

"Do you know what a yakatori is?" Yuffie curiously asked.

"No, Yuffie, I do not know what a yakatori is, go ask Nanaki." The dark gunslinger pointed to the red lion who was not to far away bathing in the setting sun.

"Come on! Yakatori, yakatori! Nanaki doesn't know what it is, but how could you not know what a yakatori is!"

"…Is it made of yak?"

"Grrr…NO YOU MORON, I'll give you a clue on what it is 'k?" She didn't bother to wait for his answer when she saw the murderous look in his garnet eyes, "It's on a stick, has lotsa beef on it and at the end of the friggin stick is a piece of Costa del Solian bread!" She threw her arms in the air, hoping to push away the tension with her bubbly attitude.

"Isn't that a shish kabob?" Vincent said thoughtfully.

"WHO CARES WHAT IT… hey, why's Tifa running here…?"

Vincent followed her eyes to see Tifa frantically running towards the group of terrorists. He and the ninja quickly got on their feet, also noticing the rest of AVALANCHE following along.

"Wat's wrong Tifa?" Barret asked worriedly as he scanned the area, "Where's Spike?"

The evil blue sandwiches also somehow followed along, they made a sound that sounded like Barret burping after getting totally drunk and Yuffie's annoying laugh.

Everyone eyed it oddly sans Nanaki.

"It said, 'Give me all of your materia or you will regret it! Hisssss!'"

Vincent kicked the rotten bologna sandwiches away, "We already have a Yuffie."

"Why choo doo dat…fer?" A seemingly drunk Cid slurred.

"Stop it Cid," Shera said, her patience wearing thin.

"NOOOOOOOO!" The supposedly drunken pilot screeched like a child with a tantrum.

Shera punched him lightly.

The blond pilot hissed in pain, "Damn woman, if I were a woman, you'd be begging for mercy now…"

Shera looked up at him oddly, wondering how a playful punch could hurt anyone.

"Ooooo, does Cid want to be a woman?" Yuffie asked slyly.

"What! HA WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO BE AMONG YOU SISSIES!"

"Cid," Vincent calmly said despite the rising tension in the air.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU FREAKING VAMPIRE!"

Vincent's eyes glittered with glee as he smiled, "Know your limitations."

The moving chimney barely missed Shera's sucker punch, but was then tackled by a flaming ninja with the help of Tifa and the always easy-going Elmyra.

The best female engineer in the world had a dented bat in her hands, "I never put less than a full effort on anything…" She smiled evilly.

**And thus, Cid learned how to treat women.**

* * *

AN: Yakatori is Japanese for Shish Kabob...I think...well, at least that was what the food channel said.

Shera seems a little too bossy right? Well, that may seem so, but I always saw her as the woman of the house who keeps her man in place.

Well, I hope that was alright...


End file.
